Adolescence happened, and as frustrating and painful as it can be for you as a parent, the fact that your kid is “allergic” to you is healthy. Really. Asher Brauner, a family therapist in Santa Cruz, California who has worked with adolescents for years, tells me that teenagers have an “inner mandate to individuate”—or as Kelly Clarkson might say, break away. This, of course, is a massive feat. The kid has relied on you for so many years (you’ve wiped their bottoms and peeled their grapes, for goodness sake). When they suddenly try to assert independence, things are bound to get messy.
Brauner’s advice for parents: Don’t make it worse.
In his practice, he has seen parents make it worse. “We know how it can go,” he says. “The kid yells a little bit. The parent yells a lot. The kid says, ‘I don’t like this.’ The parent says, ‘Well, you’re grounded.’ And then the kid says ‘Fuck you.’ And now where are we?”
Teenagers, he adds, “aren’t dropped in from space.” They’re still themselves—just more emotional, dramatic, and sometimes really cranky versions of themselves. “They’re human beings,” he says. “They want respect and need to be heard. They are no different from you and me or anyone else in wanting to be understood.”
He shared some ways parents can support their teen through this difficult phase and come out alive on the other side.
Start Way, Way Before They Become Teens
Brauner believes that parents who start teaching basics like “Don’t be rude” when their kid is a teen have already lost half the battle. That work must start earlier, he says, way earlier. You’ve got to lay the groundwork at around age three, and reinforce it often.“Young people go through a a major struggle to identify their power at two times: when they’re toddlers and when they’re teenagers,” he says. “When they’re toddlers, it’s a good idea to make it clear that you mean what you say and you say what you mean, in a loving and firm way, so that trust is built.” If you do this, he says, when the kids grow up, they’ll have a baseline understanding of your expectations.