One of the most important ways to clear through all the clutter of advice, guilt, and comparisons to others is to understand what you are and aren’t responsible for when it comes to raising your child.
As a parent coach with EmpoweringParents.com, I worked with many parents who struggled with this question:
“What am I responsible for as a parent?”
I found that most parents instinctively know the answer to this question, but just need someone to validate their instincts amidst all the social media ranting about what parents ought to be doing.
So here goes, the top 10 things you are (and are not) responsible for as a parent.
What You Are Not Responsible For:
1. Making Sure Your Kids Are Always Happy
Don’t get me wrong—it’s good for your kids to be happy overall. But there will many times, especially when you’re parenting responsibly, that your kids will be furious.
When you set limits or give them a consequence, they may not like it initially. But that’s part of your job description as a parent and head of the household. You do not make decisions based on what your kids will like, tolerate, or be okay with. Instead, you make the decisions that are best for them and your family, then follow through.
In the Total Transformation Program®, James Lehman says you have to run your family like a business. You’re the chief executive officer of your “family business” and as CEO you have to learn how to set emotions aside and to parent as objectively as possible.
So forget how guilty you feel. Forget that echo of your sister’s advice in the back of your head. Just remember that you need to do what is best for your family. You can ask for advice, but in the end, you know your family best.
2. Getting the Approval of Others
You do not need other adults in your life to tell you that you are doing the right thing. Parenting is not a popularity contest in your family or in your community. Sure, it feels great when other adults, such as your child’s teachers, tell you your child is doing something well. But it’s not necessary in order for you to run your family well.
3. Controlling Your Children
Your children are not puppets and you are not a puppeteer. There is no possible way that you can control every move your child makes or everything your child says, especially outside of your home. Children have their own free will and will act on their own accord—and often in self-interest.
For example, it’s important to remind yourself that if your child is not doing her homework, despite your best efforts to motivate her and hold her accountable, that it’s her problem and the poor grade she earns is hers alone.
The consequence she will get from you is that you will make sure she sets aside time every evening to study. You will be in touch with her teachers more. And you will monitor her homework more thoroughly until she brings her grade up.
We can’t control our kids, but we can influence them by the limits we set and the consequences we give. As James Lehman says, “You can lead a horse to water, and you can’t make him drink—but you can make him thirsty.”
4. Doing for Your Children What They Are Capable of Doing for Themselves
Many times our children will ask us to do something for them that we know they are capable of doing on their own. You are no longer responsible for those things.
For example, your grade-schooler might not make his bed perfectly the first time, but practice (and doing it imperfectly several times) is what he needs to get to the point where he can do it on his own.
I’m not saying to stop preparing breakfast for your child once she’s old enough to pour her own cereal or to never do anything to help your kids out in a pinch. What I am saying is to let your kids struggle sometimes. Try your best to give them increasing levels of responsibility. And don’t type your child’s paper for him because you type faster and it’s getting close to bedtime…that is not striking a balance!
5. You Don’t Have to be Superman or Wonder Woman
You’re not a superhero, nor should you strive to be. Rather than focusing on addressing every behavior issue or adhering to a perfect schedule each day, try to hit the important targets and realize that you might have to let some smaller things go each day. We call this picking your battles.