They confuse the terms “sympathy” and “empathy”. Sympathy is feeling for somebody but being unable to relate, whereas empathy is feeling somebody’s sorrow because they have gone through the exact same experience.
When your dad died, chances are, someone told you “I know how you feel.” But, at that moment, even you did not know how you were feeling.
So, no one should say “I know how you feel” – unless they have gone through the exact same experience, as well. And even then – they shouldn’t say it.
– You may have a film reel forever inside your head
As a daughter you probably grow up thinking that your father is your hero, the epitome of a “man,” and the pillar of strength.
When you saw him during his very last breaths of life, it shifted and shook up everything you believed you knew about the world.
Your father wasn’t meant to be like that. He was supposed to be invincible. He was supposed to defend you with the schoolyard bullies. He was supposed to tuck you in too tight at night. He was supposed to slay the monsters in the closet.
And all of a sudden, you felt fragile, vulnerable, and uncomfortable.
– Your mom’s sadness may break your heart
Nowadays, people marry at a later age and stay together for a shorter amount of time. However, in any lifetime, a happy marriage of forty+ years is a feat.
Almost all widows now have spent their 20s (and perhaps even teens) with their partner. Those are coming-of-age, formative, and crucial years. They have shared every single “first.” They have grown together. They have shared each milestone together.
Your parents probably met when your mother was in her twenties. They probably reached forty years together.
When your father passed away, a great part of your mother went with him, as well. There’s a large piece of her that’s missing and that you cannot ever replace.
And it’ll probably break your heart.
– Holidays may suck
People may tell you that the holidays “are a time to remember your father.”
However, you do not actually need that reminder, as you remember him every single day.
They may also tell you that you should light a candle for him and start a new tradition.
But, you hate candles and do not want new traditions. You miss the old tradition. There’s an empty seat at the table this year and an enormous void in your heart and you really want them both filled.
That’s why holidays may suck. And the advice on getting through the holidays may suck even more.
– You may become your own handyman
One legacy your father may have lent to you is his handiness. So, you may miss his expertise as much as you miss his presence.
You’ll learn a lot and he’d be proud of you.
– You may destroy yourself with ‘what ifs’
Avoid doing so. Remember that you cannot change the past. Do not go back and say “If we’d done it…., then….”, as it will not add anything to the grieving process. It will just complicate the grief.
So, remember that you cannot go back and that you did what was best for your dad.
– You may be thrust into adulthood
Sh*t gets real suddenly. You may be asked to become a Power of Attorney for your mother or your father’s estate. In case you are relatively young, it may seem too much to bear.
– You may fight with your siblings
Everyone has a different take on how things should go. And everyone grieves differently.
After a parent’s death, siblings often fight over possessions. But, you shouldn’t allow that materialism to consume you. Just cut the bullsh*t and do not be selfish sibling twats.
– You may be angry
You may be angry. You may hate the world. In case you are spiritual, you may curse the greater power that took your father away from you.
You may hate every soul – a friend or a stranger – that has a living father. You may hate them even more if they’re rude towards their fathers and you’ll try to knock some sense into them.
Your job may make you interact with happy families and you’ll have to smile at them and act like nothing happened.
What’s more, you may also meet a downright miserable soul that seems to have a problem with everything and you’ll silently wonder: “How are you alive, and my father is not?!”